Sunday, May 1, 2011

"Mega-Shark vs Crocosaurus" (2010)

Starring Jaleel White, Robert Picardo and Gary Stretch
Written by Naomi Selfman
Directed by Christopher Douglas Olen-Ray
Running Time: 90 minutes

Mega Shark vs CrocosaurusCan you imagine?  Urkel himself, Jaleel White, as a military scientist fighting both the Mega-Shark and the Crocosaurus?  I hardly could, myself, but then I witnessed it with my own two bleeding eyes.

Urkel is a military scientist experimenting with using soundwaves to repel sharks underwater.  Not long after, the Mega-Shark attacks his ship, kills his fiancee, and leaves him with an ambiguous thirst for revenge.  Elsewhere, a random blonde woman in high heels stupidly treks through the jungle to find Wannabe Indiana Jones (Gary Stretch) and hire him to find the supposed monster that's frightened all of her workers.

But then it turns out that she finds it first, since she gets eaten (high heels and all) when the two of them make their way through the jungle together for no reason whatsoever.  Even though it's captured, the boat carrying Crocosaurus to the United States to be studied is attacked by the Mega-Shark, and both Wannabe Jones and Urkel are brought aboard a US Navy ship commanded by Admiral "The Doctor from 'Star Trek: Voyager'" (Robert Picardo), who's just downright too good to be in this fucking movie.  Admiral Star Trek tells Wannabe Jones and Urkel that their only mission is to kill the Mega-Shark and the Crocosaurus... before they kill all of us!

What follows is essentially an hour of low-budget nonsense, the occasional video-game level special effects, a whole vat of cheese, and more bad acting than Nicolas Cage's entire career put together under one roof. 

Those aren't the characters real names, of course.  Honestly, I can't remember any of their names, nor do I care to.  This is not a good movie, not by any stretch of the imagination.  This is a movie that exists purely to be torn apart by its audience, who are no doubt gorging themselves on large amounts of alcohol and junk-food.  And rightly so.

Forget the fact that none of these people are remotely interested in giving a good performance (save Picardo, who actually manages to give his cliched angry military commander character some weight) and all of the special effects are totally lame.  Forget that there's rarely more than two or three people on screen at any given time, or that the same sets are used over and over again for multiple locations (ostensibly on different continents).  Forget even that none of this makes any damn sense whatsoever.

Just remember one thing: Fucking Mega-Shark vs Crocosaurus

In a perfect world, there'd be a movie as totally awesome as that title suggests.  But this isn't a perfect world, so this movie is actually just a steaming pile of shit that Robert Picardo should be ashamed of, even though he doesn't do a bad job at all.  Hell, it doesn't even have a scene that comes close to the sheer comic brilliance of this bit from "Mega-Shark vs Giant Octopus".  But it definitely has its fair share of laugh-out-loud moments.  Watching Urkel and Wannabe Jones running in slow motion from a massive explosion poorly comped in behind them is definitely one of the highlights. 

Perhaps this is just a lesser sequel, which is too bad because it's got the clearly superior cast over "Mega-Shark vs Giant Octopus."  Oh well.  I can't wait to see what the Mega-Shark will get up to next.  There's no way this is the end of this sadly existent franchise.