Monday, November 15, 2010

"Lone Wolf McQuade" (1983)

Starring Chuck Norris, David Carradine and Robert Beltran
Written by H. Kaye Dyal and BJ Nelson
Directed by Steve Carver

Just... wow.  I love the 80s, seriously.  The 80s have given us many wonderful things.  Music.  TV shows.  Incredibly cheesy Chuck Norris movies.  "Lone Wolf McQuade" is a laugh riot, from start to finish. 

Norris stars as JJ "Lone Wolf" McQuade, a Texas Ranger who doesn't like to play by the rules... and certainly doesn't like to play with others.  He refuses to take on a partner, often going alone into dangerous situations.  At the outset of the movie, he finds himself saving a group of Texas State Troopers from a band of marauders, including a young rookie named Kayo (Robert Beltran).  Afterward, McQuade's captain decides the two should be partners.  McQuade is not enthused, and does everything he can to scare off Kayo (including pulling a gun on him).

One night, McQuade's daughter, Sally, (Dana Kimmell) is out on a date with her fiance when they witness the hijacking of a US Army convoy in the desert.  The fiance is murdered, Sally lands in the hospital, and a truckload of weapons as gone missing.  McQuade and Kayo run down some leads and run into Snow (William Sanderson) who tells them that there's a big-time gun-running operation going on.  McQuade has also entered into a romantic relationship with Lola (Barbara Carrera), the romantic partner of the film's villain, Wilkes (David Carradine). 

Eventually there's some FBI agents, and some random stuff, explosions... Look, this movie doesn't make any damn sense.  It's incredibly stupid, through and through.  One of the villains, no lie, is a midget in a wheelchair.  This midget taunts McQuade throughout the film (full-on impeding a police investigation, which garners no response from McQuade other than a stern verbal warning).

Oh, and then there's the best part of the movie.  This is seriously one of the funniest things I've ever seen.  When we were watching the movie, I jokingly called that this would happen ahead of time.  And then it really happened.

So look, if that scene appeals to you, go ahead and watch the shit out of "Lone Wolf McQuade."  Seriously.  It's just hilarious.  There's not much else to say here.  The plot is ridiculous, the charactersa re as one-note as they come, cliches fly left and right.  Even the film's musical score seems to be directly riffing on superior music by Ennio Morricone.  The whole film plays out like an R-rated episode of "Walker, Texas Ranger" which is not too surprising once you learn that it was actually the inspiration for the show. There's some sweet martial arts moves from Chuck and Carradine, but for the most part, this is sharp 80s cheese.  And I loved it.