Saturday, June 19, 2010

"The Room" (2003)

"The Room" (2003)
Starring Tommy Wiseau, Juliette Danielle and Greg Sestero
Written, Starring, Produced, Executive Produced, Financed, Photographed and Directed by Tommy Wiseau

"You ah teawing me apahhht, Lisaaaa!"
There are bad movies and then there are baaaaaad movies.  And "The Room" is a baaaaaad movie.  Every so often I host a "Bad Movie Night" at my house, inviting over some of my friends to tear apart some kind of godawful cinematic tragedy that somehow made it to screen or disc.  In the past, we've endured such travesties as "Gangs of the Dead", "Frankenfish" and "Batman and Robin."  But last night, we watched Tommy Wiseau's "The Room."

I just can't describe how shockingly bad this movie is.  It's called "The Room," but there are actually several locations in the movie, including a living room, a bed room, a rooftop, a park and an alley.  We never learn why the film is called "The Room" and writer/director/star Tommy Wiseau's explanation for that explicit question on the DVD's special features is about as absurdly nonsensical as the movie itself.

The story, such as it is, concerns Johnny.  Johnny is up for some kind of promotion at whatever it is he does for work, and engaged to be married to Lisa, the woman of his dreams.  Things are, apparently, going quite well for Johnny.  Little does he know that Lisa has decided that Johnny is rich and attractive... but utterly boring.  This leads her to seduce Johnny's best friend, Mark.

Oh, and also, PS, her mother has breast cancer.

So while Mark keeps having sex with Lisa and moaning about how they shouldn't because he's Johnny's best friend, Johnny keeps going along like nothing is wrong with his life until he starts to suspect that Lisa is keeping some kind of secret from him.  Johnny is also for some reason paying for the college tuition of a teenager named Denny, who also apparently is in love with Lisa and wants to marry her and have her children.  He tells Johnny this, and Johnny basically just says, "Oh, that's so funny haha."

One day, the entire cast of the film arrives on the rooftop of Johnny's apartment building and finds a drug dealer attacking Denny.  Johnny and Mark beat him up and steal his gun, and then everyone yells at Denny for a while.  Then Johnny has sex with Lisa again, but instead of filming a second sex scene between the two, they simply reuse the footage from the first one set to new music.

Eventually, Johnny discovers Lisa and Mark's affair and goes crazy and commits suicide.  Oh and there was a scene where everyone plays football wearing tuxedoes.  I don't know.

This movie is absurdly, ludicrously bad.  Hell, at one point in the movie, one of the actors apparently quit and he's simply replaced by someone else who interacts with everyone as though nothing is wrong with this whatsoever.  The background on the rooftop scene is digitally composited with footage of the actors, but it's never consistent, and buildings obviously shift locations from shot to shot.  The same lengthy establishing shots of San Francisco's Golden Gate Bridge are used over and over and over again.

The acting is atrocious in every sense of the word.  Stilted, hilariously idiotic dialogue is delivered by wooden, lifeless actors who are likely reading off cue cards, since they keep looking to the side of the camera.  Tommy Wiseau is the worst, with his thick accent muddling everything he says.  Most of his dialogue appears to be redubbed over, and poorly, with the words rarely ever matching the movement of his lips.

After "The Room" was laughed out of theatres in 2003, it gained a cult following as a terrible movie.  Wiseau claims that this was his intention all along, and now classifies the film as a "black comedy."  But the truth is that it fucking sucks, man.  I mean, hilariously so, of course.  We tore this movie to shreds watching it.  It's amateurish and outright retarded in practically every sense you can think of.

So if you've got some friends and you've got some drinks, "The Room" is probably just what you're looking for.  I've seen high school student projects better than this.

And did you notice how I offhandedly mentioned that Lisa's mother has breast cancer, and then never came back to it?  That's just what happens in the movie, too.