"Under Siege 2: Dark Territory" (1995)

Starring Steven Seagal, Katherine Heigl, and Morris Chestnut
Written by Richard Hatem
Directed by Geoff Murphy

Rated R - Violence, language, nudity

Running Time: 199 Minutes

As a fan of ludicrous, implausible action films, Steven Seagal has proven a veritable treasure trove of material for me. "Under Siege 2" has Seagal returning as Casey Ryback, Navy SEAL-turned-Chef and terrorist fighter extraordinaire. Retired from the Navy, Ryback is now a chef at his friend's restaurant. When he receives news of his brother's death, he reconnects with his niece and the two head cross-country by train to visit the grave.

Meanwhile, a secret military satellite weapon capable of causing earthquakes from orbit has been successfully deployed. The designer of this weapon, an eccentric genius named Travis Dane, hires a group of mercenaries to hijack Ryback's train and use it as a mobile command post to seize control of the satellite weapon and sell its services to the highest bidder.

What follows is a series of "Die Hard"-esque chases and encounters as Ryback attempts to retake the train from the hijackers and stop Dane from destroying Washington DC. These encounters are, of course, ludicrous. None of the mercenaries prove any match for Seagal in any fashion whatsoever, and he tears through them like they were evil Boy Scouts instead of highly-trained soldiers for hire. It's a good thing, then, that there are nearly thirty of them so that Seagal won't tear through the whole group in such short order that the movie is only a few minutes long.

Seagal's attempts at acting are, of course, terrible. Katherine Heigl, future "Grey's Anatomy" hottie, is equally bad as Ryback's niece. Morris Chestnut as the hip-hop train porter who helps out Seagal is the only one with any kind of real personality. Eric Bogosian as Travis Dane is a completely ineffectual villain, a computer nerd who tries to be intimidating and fails miserably (though he does get a few genuinely humorous one-liners in).

The problem with "Under Siege 2" is not in low budget nonsense, or really even the fact that it's premise is just plain idiotic. The action is well directed, and Basil Pouledoris provides a simple but effective action score. No, the problem is that Seagal as Ryback is completely infallible through the entire movie. He rarely seems to be in any real danger from the terrorists, and even more rarely seems to run into any trouble at all. Even his Apple Newton functions perfectly to send a distress signal to the outside world when the mercenaries destroy the wireless phone on the train.

And yet, because it's a wholly stupid Steven Seagal movie, it's just as entertaining BECAUSE of these problems, instead of in spite of them. His deadpan delivery of every single line in the movie is hilarious, and watching him flail about in front of blue screens just as fun. The "Dark Territory" aspect of the title is barely explained in the film (it has something to do with an area of Colorado the train is traveling through that will prevent radio communication... or something). Dialogue is minimal, and there's no such thing as character development.

Take this movie seriously, and I guarantee, you'll have a terrible time with it. But go in with the idea that it's going to be bad, and you'll be surprised at just how good it really is.

"Ong Bak 2: The Beginning" (2008)

Starring Tony Jaa

Directed by Tony Jaa and Panna Rittikrai

"Ong Bak 2" is a huge departure from the first 2003 film. While the first was set in the modern day and had martial artist Tony Jaa chasing after a stolen statue head, the new film is set in the 15th century and has Jaa... doing a bunch of... stuff...

Alright, so this film pretty much eschews anything resembling a plot. It's sort of there, and by the end of the film it makes sense, but for a movie that's an hour and fifty minutes long, the plot probably takes up about five or six minutes. The rest of the film is a series of confrontations in which Jaa takes on increasing numbers of dangerous enemies.

For what it is, it's mightily impressive. Jaa is an amazing martial artist, and the editors often have to slow down the action so that we can see what he's doing. The fights are lengthy, which can sometimes mean that watching the film drags, but the technical proficiency is simply too good to ignore. You'll be impressed over and over again with what Jaa is capable of doing, even if it all comes at the expense of any kind of story or character.

The fights are really the star of the show here, more so than in the first film. But that's probably what makes "Ong Bak 2" the lesser film, since the first had a decent story and characterization to go along with its impressive set pieces.

The presentation on the blu-ray disc is disappointing to say the least. Visually, this is a movie with lots of fast motion and textures. Taking place mostly in the mountains and jungles, there's lots of tiny details every where, from the rocks and trees to costumes, dirty skin, weapons and more. Unfortunately, the transfer can't keep up with all this. Most of the movie looks soft. Scenes taking place in the dark or in the rain are subject to color banding and lots of smearing. Much of the movie has a sickly yellow cast over it, making skin tones look jaundiced and strange. It certainly looks better than it's DVD counterpart likely does, but still not what it could or should look like in high definition.

The audio track fares better. I'm not one for watching dubs, so even though the disc defaults to English 5.1, the original Thai track is available and it works out well. I don't think it will win any awards, since it's essentially a collection of hefty whacks and thwacks and a serviceable but forgettable action score.

"The Taking of Pelham 123" (2009)

Starring Denzel Washington, John Travolta, John Turturro
Written by Brian Helgelund
Directed by Tony Scott

Rated R - Violence, language

Running Time: 106 minutes

One morning, terrorists led by a man named Ryder (John Travolta) capture a crowded New York subway train.  Ryder calls the MTA to demand a $10 million ransom, and the employee who takes the call is veteran dispatcher Walter Garber (Denzel Washington). Ryder demands cash in 60 minutes, or the hostages will die.  

When the police decide to take over the negotiations, Ryder demands that Garber continue to be his contact.  Despite the wishes of the police, Garber is allowed to continue talking to Ryder.  Garber has to stall the police while they attempt to figure out who Ryder is and try to retake the train without further loss of life.

"This Means War" (2012)

Starring Chris Pine, Tom Hardy and Reese Witherspoon
Written by Simon Kinberg and Timothy Dowling
Directed by McG
Rated PG-13 - Language, violence, sex
Running Time: 120 Minutes
Trailer

There is a perennial argument amongst "Star Trek" fans: Captain Kirk vs Captain Picard.  Now, the only time those two legendary characters have met together on screen was 1994's disappointing "Star Trek: Generations."  Now, "This Means War" is not at all a "Star Trek" film, but there's a good joke buried in there for fans.

FDR Foster (Chris Pine) and his best friend and partner Tuck Henson (Tom Hardy) are two of the CIA's best agents.  On one mission to Hong Kong, they are tasked with retrieving some kind of dangerous device, and the criminal trying to buy it - a man named Heinrich (Til Schweiger).  Heinrich gets away, but FDR and Tuck retrieve the device and kill Heinrich's brother.

Meanwhile, Lauren Scott (Reese Witherspoon) is a successful product testing executive still dealing with the fallout of her last breakup.  Her best friend Trish (Chelsea Handler) sets up a profile for her on an online dating website, and she finds Tuck as one of her matches.  The two meet up for a date, which goes well.  Afterward, Lauren heads into a video store and bumps into FDR.  At first, they grate against each other, but he ultimately convinces her to go out on a date with him.

When FDR and Tuck realize they're both dating the same woman, they make a 'gentlemen's agreement' to see which one she ends up going for.  They both use their CIA contacts and skills to present themselves as the best man for Lauren, and both end up falling for her, while she struggles to decide which one she loves more.  All the while, Heinrich is making his way to the United States to track down FDR and Tuck and get revenge for the death of his brother.

Which one will Lauren choose? The safe, nice guy or the more exciting womanizer with trust issues?  ...And will any of them make it out alive?

'Transformers Prime: Darkness Rising' (2011)

Starring Peter Cullen, Frank Welker and Jeffrey Combs
Developed by Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman

There are many different versions of the 'Transformers' mythology, but interestingly, much of it shares many common themes and ideas.  At the heart of all these various storylines is often the simple rivalry between good and evil and the characters that embody those concepts.

Three years after the last recorded contact with the Decepticons, the Autobots patrol the planet Earth looking for Energon.  In the lonely town of Jasper, Nevada, teenage Jack Darby (Josh Keaton), 12-year-old computer wiz Rafael Esquivel (Andy Pessoa) and international transfer student Miko Nakadai (Tania Gunadi) witness a battle between Autobots Arcee (Sumalee Montano), Bulkhead (Kevin Michael Richardson) and Bumblebee.  Now a target of the Decepticons, the three kids are brought back to the Autobots' secret lair where they meet medic Ratchet (Jeffrey Combs) and the Autobot leader, Optimus Prime (Peter Cullen).

The Autobots are attempting to locate their lost friend Cliffjumper (Dwayne Johnson), who had discovered a vast deposit of Energon and was set upon by Decepticons.  What they will discover is that Megatron (Frank Welker) has returned from deep space, with an artifact known as the Blood of Unicron - a 'dark Energon' crystal that has the power to reanimate the dead.  With this dark Energon, Megatron plans to raise an army of fallen Transformers from the planet Cybertron, and overrun the societies of Earth.

Only five Autobots and three human kids stand in his way.

Happy Trails: "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter" (2012)

I hope this movie is as awesome as the sheer absurdity of its premise suggests.  I haven't read the book, and honestly I didn't even make it through "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies" so I haven't really explored this historical horror parody genre very much.  Still, this looks like it might have some sweet action and if it can get the right tone, it might just be a lot of fun.

'The Take' (2009)

Starring Tom Hardy, Shaun Evans and Brian Cox
Written by Neil Biswas
Directed by David Drury
Rated TV-MA - Violence, language, drinking, drugs, sex, rape, mature themes
Running Time: 176 minutes
Trailer

It's become increasingly obvious that Tom Hardy is really, really good at playing truly screwed up individuals.  Whether it's a broken former Marine turned MMA fighter or the flawed clone of a heroic starship captain, regardless of the genre, Hardy is capable of grabbing hold of the role of a man with deep, deep psychological problems and making sure that we can't take our eyes off of him.

Freddie Jackson (Tom Hardy) has just been released from prison after doing a stint for a botched robbery job.  In the joint, he established a good rapport with Ozzy (Brian Cox) the man who runs everything, and Jimmy seizes the opportunity to make a name for himself with Ozzy's crew.  He drags along his best friend and younger cousin, Jimmy (Shaun Evans), who also makes an impression on Ozzy.  Soon enough, the two are rising through the ranks of Ozzy's organization.

But the truth eventually becomes known: Freddie is an uncontrollable sociopath.  Jimmy, the one with brains, tries to rein him in, but that proves increasingly impossible.  Freddie's wife, Jackie (Kiersten Wareing) turns to alcohol and pill-popping in her depression for loving Freddie so much, even as she recognizes that he's a monster.  Jimmy's wife, Maggie (Charlotte Riley), also recognizes that Freddie is a monster, and tries desperately not to fall into the same abyss as Jackie.

As the years pass, Jimmy becomes more prominent in the organization, and the order comes down to squeeze Freddie out.  But Freddie isn't about to take that betrayal lying down.