"Ong Bak 3" (2010)

Starring Tony Jaa, Dan Chupong and Primrata Det-Udom
Written and directed by Tony Jaa and Panna Rittikrai
Rated R - Violence
Running Time: 95 minutes

I was a huge, huge fan of the original "Ong Bak" starring Tony Jaa.  While the storyline was simplistic, the characters were likeable and the fight sequences and stunt work were absolutely incredible.  Unfortunately, I felt like the second film dropped the ball in almost every way.  It had nothing to do with the first, aside from the title, and just didn't wow me the same way the original did.

"Ong Bak 3," sadly, continues on from the second film - picking up where it left off as Tien (Tony Jaa) is held captive and beaten mercilessly by Lord Rajasena (Sarunyu Wongkrajang).  Elsewhere, some kind of man-creature named Bhuti (Dan Chupong) who is some kind of assassin kills a bunch of Rajasena's men.  Tien is put to death but later his body is returned to his people and he's somehow magically revived.  Unfortunately, his body is still broken from his injuries and he is crippled and in constant pain.  Under the tutelage of a Buddhist master, Tien learns to rehabilitate his body and bring peace to his soul so he can defeat Bhuti, who plans to take over the kingdom... or something.

"Kiss of the Dragon" (2001)

Starring Jet Li, Bridget Fonda and Tcheky Karyo
Written by Luc Besson and Robert Mark Kamen
Directed by Chris Nahon
Rated R - Violence, language, drug use
Running Time: 100 minutes

Liu Siu-jian (Jet Li) is a Chinese government agent sent to Paris, France, to help apprehend a heroin smuggler.  Instead, his contact in the Parisian police, Jean-Pierre Richard (Tchecky Karyo) turns out to be totally, totally corrupt and frames Liu (who he constantly refers to as "Johnny") for the murder of the smuggler and a prostitute.  Liu manages to escape, along with videotape evidence of his innocence.  Another prostitute, Jessica (Bridget Fonda) also escapes by hiding in the bathroom.

Now on the run from the French police, Liu attempts to prove his innocence to his government, but the liaison is killed when Richard's men interrupt the meeting, and Liu loses the videotape.  He eventually meets Jessica, who just so happens to whore herself out in front of the restaurant where Liu is hiding out.  He realizes that she can help him prove his innocence, but she refuses to testify since Richard has kidnapped her daughter as leverage.  Until her daughter is safe, Jessica won't risk helping Liu.

"Ip Man 2" (2010)

Starring Donnie Yen, Sammo Hung and Huan Xiaoming
Written by Edmond Wong
Directed by Wilson Yip
Rated R - Violence
Running Time: 109 minutes

Picking up where 2008's "Ip Man" left off, this sequel follows Wing Chun Master Ip Man (Donnie Yen) and his family as they escape from Japanese-occupied Foshan and move to Hong Kong.  In 1950, Ip attempts to set up shop teaching Wing Chung in Hong Kong, but has trouble attracting students.  With his wife Cheung Wing-sing (Lynn Hung) pregnant and his son Ip Chun (Li Chak) in need of school fees, and the rent coming up due, Ip begins to feel the pressure.

Eventually, however, a young man named Wong Leung (Huan Xiaoming) approaches, interested in learning about Wing Chun.  He challenges Ip to a duel, offering to pay school fees even if he loses.  He does, but runs away instead of paying.  The next day he returns with several friends, who also challenge Ip.  After he defeats them all (quickly) they (quickly) kneel before him and beg to be taught.  Soon, Ip Man's school has grown to include a number of students, which garners the attention of another martial arts master, Hung Chun-nam (Sammo Hung) who teaches Hung Ga. 

Hung informs Ip that in order to teach martial arts in Hong Kong he must first pass a test by fighting the other local masters.  He does so, and succeeds, but is unwilling to pay into a protection racket run by Hung and a local British police officer named Wallace (Charles Mayer).  Not long after, Ip begins to run into trouble when Hung's students harass his, goading them into fights in the street, and Ip loses the lease on his studio.  But after confronting Hung, Ip does the honorable thing and saves face for him with Hung's wife, and the two begin to form a friendship instead of a rivalry.

"Chocolate" (2008)

Starring Yanin Vismistanada, Ammara Siripong and Taphon Phopwandee
Written by Chookiat Sakveerakul
Directed by Prachya Pinkaew
Rated R - Violence
Running Time: 92 minutes

Here's an intriguing premise for a film: A young autistic girl named Zen (Yanin Vismistanada) learns Muay Thai by watching and mimicking the moves she sees performed by students at the school next to her house... and movies she sees on TV. 

When her mother, Zin (Ammara Siripong) falls ill with cancer, her friend Moom (Taphon Phopwandee) convinces her to help him collect on Zin's old debts to pay for medication.  Unfortunately, what Zen and Moom don't know is that Zin's past is a dangerous one to be digging up.  Zin used to be a girlfriend and enforcer of a local mobster No. 8 (Pongpat Wachirbunjong) until she fell in love with a rival Yakuza boss Musashi (Hiroshi Abe).  After a bloody fight, Musashi was banished back to Japan, but Zin was forced to stay and raise her child alone under the ever-watchful eye of No. 8's enforcers.

"Rumble in the Bronx" (1995)

Starring Jackie Chan, Anita Mui and Francoise Yip
Written by Edward Tang and Fibe Ma
Directed by Stanley Tong
Rated R - Violence, language
Running Time: 106 minutes

Keung (Jackie Chan) travels to New York City to attend the wedding of his uncle Bill (Bill Tung).  Bill is in the process of selling his supermarket to Elaine (Anita Mui).  That night, when some punks are wrecking cars in the neighborhood, Keung defends an antique automobile lent to his uncle for the wedding, drawing the ire of a local gang.  This leads to an escalating series of fights between Keung and the gang, which are interrupted by the arrival of some new players and a bag of stolen diamonds.  Now Keung faces the gang on one side and a criminal organization run by a man called White Tiger (Kris Lord) on the other.  He'll have to use all his wits and skills in a strange land to recover the diamonds, save the girl and defeat the bad guys.

There's really not much to "Rumble in the Bronx" that's worth explaining.  The story is mostly nonsense, spending half the movie on gang troubles only to randomly introduce the stolen diamonds that seem to have nothing to do with anything whatsoever.  Characters fight in one scene and then are friendly in the next.  There's no real rhyme or reason to anything that happens in this film.

"Ip Man" (2008)

Starring Donnie Yen, Simon Yam and Hiroyuki Ikeuchi
Written by Edmond Wong
Directed by Wilson Yip

"Ip Man" is a pretty fascinating film.  It takes the life of Ip Man, (also spelled Yip Man) a now-legendary martial arts instructor, and turns it into a crackling and impressive (if historically inaccurate) action film.  Before seeing the film, I was aware of it, having seen trailers for it online and heard some positive reviews around.  So I was aware of some of the broad strokes of the film, most impressively that Ip Man would later in life train one of the biggest names in martial arts films: Bruce Lee.  Already knowing that fact when going into "Ip Man" somehow seemed to make it more impressive, and even to reinforce some of the characterization in the film.

Ip Man is a master of Wing Chun.  He lives in the city of Foshan with his wife, Cheung Wing-sing (Lynn Hung) and young son Ip Chun (Li Chak).  Ip Man is independently wealthy, and does not run his own martial arts school, even though he is the city's greatest fighter.  He is humble, concerned only with keeping to himself and practicing his art.  His wife often resents the amount of time he spends with his sparring with his friends rather than with his family, but she loves him and lets him do as he pleases.

One day, some punks come to town led by Jin Shanzhao (Fan Siu-wong), an arrogant master of northern style martial arts.  After Jin defeats the other masters in town, he barges into Ip's home and challenges him to a duel.  After much prodding, Ip finally accepts and thoroughly trounces Jin, sending him off in disgrace.  The town rejoices and hails Ip as a hero, which brings Ip obvious discomfort, though he accepts there gifts so as not to seem rude.

"Mega-Shark vs Crocosaurus" (2010)

Starring Jaleel White, Robert Picardo and Gary Stretch
Written by Naomi Selfman
Directed by Christopher Douglas Olen-Ray
Unrated
Running Time: 90 minutes

Can you imagine?  Urkel himself, Jaleel White, as a military scientist fighting both the Mega-Shark and the Crocosaurus?  I hardly could, myself, but then I witnessed it with my own two bleeding eyes.

Urkel is a military scientist experimenting with using soundwaves to repel sharks underwater.  Not long after, the Mega-Shark attacks his ship, kills his fiancee, and leaves him with an ambiguous thirst for revenge.  Elsewhere, a random blonde woman in high heels stupidly treks through the jungle to find Wannabe Indiana Jones (Gary Stretch) and hire him to find the supposed monster that's frightened all of her workers.

But then it turns out that she finds it first, since she gets eaten (high heels and all) when the two of them make their way through the jungle together for no reason whatsoever.  Even though it's captured, the boat carrying Crocosaurus to the United States to be studied is attacked by the Mega-Shark, and both Wannabe Jones and Urkel are brought aboard a US Navy ship commanded by Admiral "The Doctor from 'Star Trek: Voyager'" (Robert Picardo), who's just downright too good to be in this fucking movie.  Admiral Star Trek tells Wannabe Jones and Urkel that their only mission is to kill the Mega-Shark and the Crocosaurus... before they kill all of us!

What follows is essentially an hour of low-budget nonsense, the occasional video-game level special effects, a whole vat of cheese, and more bad acting than Nicolas Cage's entire career put together under one roof.